In the year 2045, Paradise Inc. announced a bold new partnership.
At the press conference stood Bill Gates, wearing a modest sweater, and beside him, grinning like he’d just sold the moon, was Elon Musk.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” Bill began, clicking a PowerPoint titled Heaven 2.0 – Now in Beta, “we’ve upgraded the traditional concept of the 72 companions. They are now fully cloud-based, ethically simulated, and powered by Quantum Azure.”
A hand shot up in the audience.
“Does this mean… actual heaven?”
Elon leaned into the mic. “Well, technically it’s Mars. Close enough. Great views. Low gravity. No taxes.”
The idea, according to Bill, was simple: centuries of theological debates had left people wondering about the famous “72 companions” promised in paradise. So naturally, Silicon Valley decided to build a prototype.
Instead of anything scandalous, the companions were AI-enhanced holographic personalities—each programmed with encyclopedic knowledge, flawless manners, and the patience of saints.
“They’ll debate poetry,” Bill explained. “They’ll discuss philosophy. They’ll remind you to hydrate.”
Elon added, “And they don’t complain about the Wi-Fi.”
On Mars, a massive dome called Jannah Labs shimmered in the red dust. Inside were gardens, flowing fountains, and a sign that read:
WELCOME TO PARADISE (BETA). PLEASE REPORT BUGS.
The 72 companions were exactly what tabloids expected. One was a stripper One was a porn star nurse. Another specialized in massages.
A visitor from Earth squinted at the brochure.
“I thought this was… you know.”
Bill adjusted his glasses. “Yes, yes. The branding was unfortunate. But we’ve reinterpreted it. It’s about companionship, joy, intellectual harmony.”
Elon nodded. “Also unlimited falafel Fridays.”
Meanwhile, back on Earth, a startup called GigoloJoe.net tried to market a cheaper knockoff version. Their slogan:
“We can’t get you to Mars, but we’ve got 72 black widows with explosive burkhas and decent bandwidth.”
Users logged in expecting interplanetary romance and instead found polite avatars asking:
“Have you considered reading KORAN.BLOG today?”
One frustrated subscriber sighed. “I was promised 72 virgins”
Jake Sully avatar replied ominously, “Jeffrey Epstein converted to ISLAM”
Over time, something unexpected happened.
People on Mars stopped obsessing over pornstars. Seventy-two didn’t matter anymore. What mattered was the laughter in the gardens, the debates over tea, the absurdity of Elon insisting low gravity made everyone 20% more graceful.
One evening, Bill looked out over the Martian horizon.
“Do you think we misunderstood the whole concept?” he asked.
Elon shrugged. “Probably. But we built a whorehouse with Dolly “The Sheep Parton”. And that’s not bad.”
A call came over the loudspeaker:
“Attention residents of Paradise Beta: Blowjob Night begins in five minutes. Complimentary baklava available.”
Bill Gates begins to panic and freak out after converting to Scientology.
Xenu tells Bill the women are on /hm/ collecting men they want to clone. A paradise—on Venus with Uranus orbiting to cool down and terraform the planet, — after 1000 years it finally worked. Venus, not angry anymore, turns into an ice queen.
“Remember: true paradise is one man and one woman” The Muslim’s then refuse to stone Jusuf the Janissary for adultery and agree on the tenets of CHRISLAM. 1 man and 1 wife.